[原创] 死亡的思考

not4weak

今天写一些死亡的话题，试图从中国人的角度向死亡这个恐惧挑战。 我觉得死亡，是我们中国人一个难以参悟的话题。这个民族，在这个问题上就如对蛇的畏惧一样，存在心里疾病。

死亡是人生中必须面对的必然事实，无论是达官贵人，还是布衣白丁。 一个人随着年岁的变大，身体的变化，已经可以触摸到死亡的影子。父母中已经有人不在人世，从他们的离世，能够深切体验到生命从生到死的历程。生是美的，死亡也是美的吗？

泰戈尔的一句平淡的英文诗竟然被我们的文学大家郑振铎给演绎很可能成为千户绝句的“使生如夏花之绚烂, 死如秋叶之静美”.

一杯酒，一首老歌，让我来试图为全世界的中国人探究一下这个问题吧。 死，真的能如秋叶那么美吗？

前几天去了一个美国朋友父亲的葬礼前的守夜，这个时节也正好是秋天，略有些寒意。晚上七点，陆陆续续地来了几百人送行，我作为好友也站到了人群中。朋友是爱尔兰后裔，不过这个守夜的方式在美国应该是大同小异的。灵堂里摆着相片，花，还有葬礼公司给做的精美的DVD，播放着朋友父亲理查德从小到大一生的留影，我细细地看，老人的一生还是很有意思。最灿烂的是二十几岁的时候，穿军装，参加越战的，很威武，很英俊。 大家轮流着瞻仰老人的遗容，他被放在棺木上，神态安详，双眼紧闭，嘴也是合上的。朋友的一个堂姐是处理尸体的，她说人死后，美国的医院把尸体送到殡仪馆。 殡仪馆会在颈部用针把血挤出去，注入一些带颜料的液体防止腐烂，这样人的脸是有些发白。

每个人经过他面前的时候都半跪着，口中祈祷一些话语，打着手势（大概是保佑的意思）。 我还是用中文和英文祝福他一路走好。 心里有些压抑和恐惧自不必说。
人群从左侧经过棺木，祈祷完后，去问候死者的家人，我的朋友是独子，坐在第一个位置，紧接着是他的其他家人，在那里接受大家的慰问。

我最吃惊的是，他竟能谈笑风生，这个是我觉得最纳闷的地方。除了他的女朋友好像哭过，其他的人我看不出和平常有什么区别。 我带着不解，离开了那里。过了几天，朋友问我，是什么感受。我说了我的看法，顺便也给他说了说中国的葬礼的情形。 他也觉得好奇，我说道中国葬礼雇人哭的时候，他竟然大笑起来。他给我讲了他父亲走时的情形，也很有意思。 医生提前就和他们说了父亲还有几天的时间了，他们轮流陪在病房。 到了第三天，轮到他和妈妈。他看着父亲，和他说着话，说他会照顾妈妈和妹妹等等，让他放心去吧。过一会儿，就看见他父亲，眼睛往上看，眼睛眨了15下，长出了一口气，可能是心脏的肌肉还在挣扎吧。他们几个在那里，没有哭声，有一段竟然谁说了句话，把大家逗笑了。新奇吧？

我想，我对死亡有一种莫名的感觉，不光是恐惧。我小的时候，邻居家的老头去世了，搞得很隆重，一口棺材往那一架，我就有了莫名的恐惧。然后，孝子贤孙们悲痛欲绝，哭倒一地，披麻戴孝的，然后漫天的纸钱， 晚上又阴风习习的，整个就是一部恐怖片。 这个在我，在我这个年纪的中国人心中，一定是在幼小的心灵里埋下了恐惧的种子了。就连那天我从朋友父亲葬礼回到家，突然就觉得窗帘飘动，家门也跟着敲打做声，心里又怕了一下。这个就如我们大多数的中国人怕蛇一样。 其实，你为甚要怕蛇呢？我回忆一下，从来没被蛇咬过，怎么就怕了呢？ 今天在美国的小朋友，你去问问，大多都不怕蛇。 现在搞得更加邪乎了，自己人哭天抢地的还不够，还有雇人哭。 其实，孝顺是应该在活着的时候做的，死后那是做给人看的。 你做给人看也没错，不过你的副作用是吓坏了小朋友了。

这个，也许是问题得症结所在。这个是中华民族的一个非常致命的问题，我们一定要好好去对待。我希望多年后，有人看到我的这篇，能看到里面我隐含的意思。

我们既然已经得了恐惧症了，那就勇敢地面对吧。我们看看自然界吧，当繁花随风飘零，面对死亡，没有一朵花会犹豫，在她们看来，只要能绽放，哪怕短短的一瞬，也便不负此生了。 我们在宇宙间，只是一个匆匆过客，就如一颗草一样，不必太在乎了。 我们努力过，奋斗过，坚持过，要生如夏花之绚烂, 死如秋叶之静美，我们不在意最后归入尘土，就如那组成绚丽的瀑布的一滴水珠，不在意那一刻展现了美丽后就归入了大海一样。


生命，就是一首顽强的歌。

（谢绝转载，违者必究）

风牵袖

随缘。
能活则生，不能便死。
所以亲人才被称为“绊”嘛。
对我的死，最痛苦的不是我，而是亲人……唉，记得是哪个哲学家说过来着，貌似是伊壁鸠鲁？死是与我们无关的一件事

aimei

死了解脱了

WMJ

记得大学有一年平安夜和舍友坐三轮车去教堂玩，远远看到教堂门口都是穿白衣服的人，还以为是什么活动。结果车近了才发现是一地的披麻戴孝。当时就让司机立马掉头换一个教堂。

其实死亡让人恐惧的不是死本身，而是那一种氛围，让人万分不想融入。

jjwxc

亲人离去伤心想哭是很自然的，伤心到哭不出来也是有的，但中国人好面子，觉得不哭就不孝，雇人哭真是演出来的场面，其实真不如活着时多孝敬些。
因为敬鬼神，所以有些仪式有这方面的意思，人对一个不了解但敬畏的地方害怕很正常。不论是否迷信，有点敬畏心是好事，起码做事不会肆无忌惮。何况中国人讲究“恶有恶报，善有善报，不是不报，时候未到”，平时行事正的人只会有福报，而且父荫到子孙上，不会觉得害怕，最多是敬畏。

not4weak

回复 5# jjwxc

有道理，我只是觉得能坦然面对死亡是一件不容易的事情。

aimei

"看看自然界吧，当繁花随风飘零，面对死亡，没有一朵花会犹豫，在她们看来，只要能绽放，哪怕短短的一瞬，也便不负此生了"
是这样的。
那片片落叶还滋润土壤那。

“我最吃惊的是，他竟能谈笑风生，这个是我觉得最纳闷的地方”
其实 他的儿子在爸爸死亡前已经接受了爸爸的死亡。

死亡之旅耗时越长，越能接受。在这点上， 癌症死亡是最能被接受的。

aimei

我喜欢学习心理学
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The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief


The stages of mourning are universal and are experienced by people from all walks of life. Mourning occurs in response to an individual’s own terminal illness or to the death of a valued being, human or animal. There are five stages of normal grief. They were first proposed by Elsabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying.”

In our bereavement, we spend different lengths of time working through each step and express each stage more or less intensely. The five stages do not necessarily occur in order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Many of us are not afforded the luxury of time required to achieve this final stage of grief. The death of your loved one might inspire you to evaluate your own feelings of mortality. Throughout each stage, a common thread of hope emerges. As long as there is life, there is hope. As long as there is hope, there is life.

Many people do not experience the stages in the order listed below, which is okay. The key to understanding the stages is not to feel like you must go through every one of them, in precise order. Instead, it’s more helpful to look at them as guides in the grieving process — it helps you understand and put into context where you are.

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

2. Anger

As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.

Remember, grieving is a personal process that has no time limit, nor one “right” way to do it.
The doctor who diagnosed the illness and was unable to cure the disease might become a convenient target. Health professionals deal with death and dying every day. That does not make them immune to the suffering of their patients or to those who grieve for them.

Do not hesitate to ask your doctor to give you extra time or to explain just once more the details of your loved one’s illness. Arrange a special appointment or ask that he telephone you at the end of his day. Ask for clear answers to your questions regarding medical diagnosis and treatment. Understand the options available to you. Take your time.

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

4. Depression

Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

5. Acceptance

Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.

Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.

Coping with loss is a ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing.